Lonesome Valley of 2023-2024

Day and night, fear and times of confusion, complaining and heaviness of heart was the most common traits of my days and weeks that turned into months. The answers for all the 'whats and whys' seemed like a billion light years away. I remember thanking God for the times of working alone at my job so I can freely express my self to the Lord as I poured out my heart and soul to Him. I knew nothing else in all my confusion except one thing. God's dealing was my closest unwelcome company. I was completely oblivious at the time but when God began to calm the storm it was so real to me with the deepest thanksgiving that His dealing has become my bitter but sweetest friend.

I had the fear of judging others as I was occupied with judging and examining myself which led to many times of deep repentance and bitter tears for many past sins, evil motives and the over all current condition of my heart. All I knew to do was to cry out in desperation for God's help and to beg God, “please do not let me go.”

In the past, I had a general idea of why the Christian martyrs throughout history were singing joyously as they face death by their persecutors. But after going through my own dark experience it just naturally became so real in my heart the reason why those martyrs rejoiced as they were about to die for their Lord. Dying for Him which comes with a glorious reward of having the fullness of Him who died for them.

Today March 2025 it is still my number one cry that God would take me through another anguishing fiery trial or trials. I realize that even though it will lead to losing everything in this life including my own, I know now that the fruit that will come forth out of it will be so much more precious than any amount of gains in this world. No matter what pleasure and excitement, riches, houses or lands, popularity or power and positions; even any amounts of gold and silver. The treasure that one finds in God's discipline, scourging and merciful judgments is so much more sweeter than anything one can ever gain in this temporal life.

The anguish of the experience was something I could not compare to anything in the past. But it didn't take long when that season of heart wrenching period was only comparable to the loss of the most valuable person in someone's life. The loss of a very precious brother in Christ years ago in 2021.

The Lord performed so much good things for me. There were huge mountains of idols that was so real to me that only He alone was able to remove from my heart. God moved one mountain by plucking it out completely and some He just simply melted away. It is so amazing what God can do in that lonesome valley. There He showed me the reality of my true condition according to how He sees me beneath all of the religious eloquence and veneers. In that valley I was faced with my hypocrisy and and my heart that was backslidden from God's ultimate goal and purpose. I was so devastated and shattered into a 'million' pieces when I saw all that! I can remember that very town, parking space, and approximate time of the day when that happened (Spring 2024). I could not function for about an hour, did not wanna do anything, did not wanna be anything, did not want anything except to just weep in sorrow and fall in to the Lord's bottomless mercy.

I learned very quickly that God's judgment is not a happy and nice experience but because of the fruit that comes forth out of the experience caused me to love it and always constantly crying out for it to manifest in every area of my life to this very day and I do not intend to stop pressing in to God for His judgments.

I heard a very good brother said one time,“when the sword (of God's judgment) falls upon you, you will begin to love it. Why because it cuts out the spiritual cancers in your life”... We spend so much money preserving ourselves against cancers and diseases in our bodies that can sum up to millions of dollars in medical expenses only to end up dying in great loss and defeat. God's cleansing judgment prepares us to gain the Ultimate Treasure that lasts forever and its free....! Its free, but it will cost us everything!